


Swords and the Art of Ninjitsu

by lyricwritesprose



Series: Tales of the Them [7]
Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Gen, Guess The Author, I am unreasonably proud of the fact that this is exactly five hundred words long, Slice of Life, With a guest appearance by the Fuck Shit Up Jacket
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:07:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24765175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyricwritesprose/pseuds/lyricwritesprose
Summary: Brian and Pepper have a far-ranging argument concerning pirates, whether Mr. Aziraphale knows how to use a sword, and whether immortals would naturally end up knowing ninjitsu.  Written for the prompt: "You started it."
Series: Tales of the Them [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1536700
Comments: 42
Kudos: 189
Collections: Lyric's Emergency Fluff Collection, SOSH - Guess the Author #1 "You started it"





	Swords and the Art of Ninjitsu

"Say, 'you were right all along, Pepper,'" Pepper demanded, brandishing her wooden sword in the general direction of Brian’s throat. "Say 'you were right all along,' or I'll hang you from the yardarm."

This struck Brian as tremendously unfair. "I bet you don't even know what a yardarm is."

It was a palpable hit. "I bet you don't either," Pepper countered weakly.

Brian didn't, but he also didn't want to admit it. "You get them on pirate ships, everyone knows that." The skeptical look on Pepper's face told him he would need more. "They're . . . a kind of gun that's a whole yard long."

"No, they aren't," Mr. Crowley put in traitorously. "What're you two arguing about, anyway?"

Brian sighed. “Pepper said if you guys survived the stone age and the fall of Rome and the middle ages, then you must know how to fight, and I said that Mr. Aziraphale wouldn’t want to fight, and she said I was stupid and he could probably fight like anything, and I said she was stupid and he couldn’t.” And Brian’s theory had taken a definite hit today, with Mr. Aziraphale giving out advice on how to set your feet and hold your sword, but he still wasn’t going to decide Mr. Aziraphale was some sort of secret badass.

“You started it,” Pepper said. “Talking all about how if you were immortal you’d learn ninjitsu.”

“I did not. I was having a  _ discussion. _ You were the one who went and made it an  _ argument.” _

“Did too.”

“Did not.”

“Knock it off, you two,” Mr. Crowley said. “Do you want to know how to be a ninja? Really want to know?”

Pepper was as riveted as Brian, Brian could tell. They nodded in unison.

“Okay, come on. I have my jacket in the boot.”

The jacket was a disappointment. Large and un-stylish with reflective stripes. “What does that have to do with being a ninja?” Pepper demanded.

“Because nobody questions you when you’ve got a jacket like this. You’re  _ obviously _ there to do some sort of work. Maybe they’ve got rats, or maybe it’s the drains, or maybe it’s a leak in the roof, but whatever it is, you’ve got an excuse. And a clipboard, which is even better than an excuse. Where a jacket like this won’t do, a waiter’s tuxedo will. That’s how being a ninja worked, even back in feudal Japan. Not martial arts tricks. Just looking like you belong.”

Pepper looked skeptical. Brian wondered where  _ he _ could get in with a clipboard.

“Anyway—yes, Pepper is right. Aziraphale does know how to fight. He was a knight errant for a while, back in the Round Table days. But Brian is right, he doesn’t  _ like _ to fight, and if you make a big fuss about it and try to get him to  _ talk _ about fighting, you’re not going to get any more sword training out of it. Just keep on doing the swords wrong, that’ll get him correcting you in no time.”

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Multivoice Podfic] Swords and the Art of Ninjitsu](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25551997) by [Djapchan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Djapchan/pseuds/Djapchan), [mahons-ondine (mahons_ondine)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mahons_ondine/pseuds/mahons-ondine), [platinum_firebird](https://archiveofourown.org/users/platinum_firebird/pseuds/platinum_firebird), [sisi_rambles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sisi_rambles/pseuds/sisi_rambles), [Tipsy_Kitty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tipsy_Kitty/pseuds/Tipsy_Kitty)




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